FADE IN:
MARVIN BRAUDE BIKE PATH — NIGHT
Palm trees along the bike path are swathed in twinkling lights, as the Santa Monica pier sparkles in the background. There’s a magical feeling in the air, as holiday music floats gently on the breeze.
It’s Christmas Eve.
A lone cyclist pedals up the path. Since he usually rides during the day, there are no lights or reflectors on his bike. So taking his cue from this guy, he has wrapped his bike in low-wattage LED Christmas lights. And in honor of his wife’s side of the family, he has cleverly attached a menorah to his handlebars as a headlight.
Unfortunately, the candles keep blowing out.
He hadn’t thought of that.
SFX: SLEIGH BELLS
Pausing to relight the candles, he briefly scans the sky…nothing.
SFX: SLEIGH BELLS SOUNDING CLOSER
Up ahead in the distance, a very large man appears, slowly passing through the glow of each streetlight as he drawsnearer, struggling to pedal his overloaded bike down the trail. He is dressed in a red suit and cap trimmed in white, politically incorrect fur, with a large messenger bag full of gifts slung over his shoulder.
He is sweating profusely, and anything but jolly.
BIKINGINLA
Santa? Mr. Claus?
SANTA CLAUS
Yo.
BIKINGINLA
The Santa Clause? Kris Kringle? Père Noël? Father Christmas?
SANTA CLAUS
Look, I’m on a schedule here…
BIKINGINLA
Oh. Sorry.
SANTA CLAUS
Name?
BIKINGINLA
BikingInLa.
The fat man pulls a pair of lengthy lists out of his pocket, scanning quickly until he spots the right name. Brow furrowing, he narrows his eyes as he considers the other cyclist.
SANTA CLAUS
You’re the wise guy who asked me for a dreidel back in ’87?
BIKINGINLA
Well, I…
SANTA CLAUS
Had to retool the entire production line for one lousy toy. Cost me countless elf-hours in lost productivity.
BIKINGINLA
Sorry.
SANTA CLAUS
Next time, take it up with my brother-in-law.
BIKINGINLA
Your…?
SANTA CLAUS
Hanukkah Harry. Mixed marriage, you know?
BIKINGINLA
Yeah, I know what that’s like. So, um…where’s the reindeer and stuff?
SANTA CLAUS
It’s this damned economy. Bank cut off my line of credit, so I had to make some cuts. Something about a flawed business model.
BIKINGINLA
Yeah, I hear that a lot these days.
SANTA CLAUS
Sure, I lose money on every toy, but I make it up in volume. And once I get the new Cyber Santa 2.0 online…
Anyway, I had to outsource production to China and let the elves go. And fuel costs got totally out of hand — I mean, have you priced reindeer kibble theses days? So I traded the sled for a new bike, and turned the reindeer over to an animal rescue. Except for Blitzen.
BIKINGINLA
Blitzen?
SANTA CLAUSE
After the layoffs, some of the elves went on a hunger strike. Man, you do not mess with a hungry elf.
BIKINGINLA pauses, visibly struggling to get that image out of his head.
BIKINGINLA
Wasn’t there anywhere you could turn? If they can bailout GM…
SANTA CLAUS
Yeah, right. Billions for the banks. And not a penny for the little guy.
BIKINGINLA
Or the fat guy.
SANTA CLAUS
(GLARING) That’s going on my list.
BIKINGINLA
(CHANGING SUBJECT) Uh, cool bike.
SANTA CLAUS
Yeah, got it in China. Call it a Flying Pigeon.
Doesn’t, though.
BIKINGINLA
Bummer, dude.
SANTA CLAUS
Think I’d know better than to fall for clever marketing at my age. Should have gone for something faster, or least designed to haul a little cargo. I got a lot of miles to cover tonight.
BIKINGINLA
Speaking of which, don’t you have something in that bag for me?
SANTA CLAUS
Don’t push your luck, kid. You barely made the good list as it was. One more single digit salute to a passing driver, and you’ll be lucky to find a lump of coal in your stocking. And we’re not talking clean coal technology, either.
Besides, you already got your present. Just be careful what you wish for.
BIKINGINLA
What’s that supposed to mean?
SANTA CLAUS
Passing the Cyclist’s Bill of Rights was the easy part. But it’s another thing entirely to turn all those pretty words into paint on the street, or change attitude of law enforcement.
I’m afraid your work is just starting, my friend.
BIKINGINLA
Okay, but what about that other stuff I asked for? You know, like peace on Earth, and all that stuff?
SANTA CLAUS
Hmmmph! Little over my pay grade, isn’t it? Besides, you don’t want peace on Earth.
BIKINGINLA
But…
SANTA CLAUSE
You just want other people to stop fighting. If you really wanted peace, you’d keep those damn gestures to yourself. And try turning the other cheek the next time some jerk cuts you off.
BIKINGINLA
(EMBARASSED) Yeah.
SANTA CLAUSE
So stop being such a self-righteous cycle jerk, already. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a few billion deliveries to make.
Santa slings his bag back over his shoulder, and slowly starts pedaling down the path, muttering under his breath. He pauses briefly, turning back to gesture towards his own eyes with two fingers before pointing at BIKINGINLA, as if to say “I’m watching you.”
He resumes riding, pedaling faster and faster until at last, his Flying Pigeon rises up from the pavement and soars through the sky. As he disappears into the stars, we hear him shout a final farewell.
SANTA CLAUSE
Oh, and happy Christmas to all and all that. And to all, a great ride!
FADE TO BLACK
Best wishes to all for a joyous holiday season, and a healthy, happy and prosperous new year!
